Just For Fun — Santa the Criminal

A headline in the December 25, 2017 “The Daily Dose” from Ozy.com brought me up short — “How Many Crimes Would Santa Be Guilty Of If He Were Real?”  (This piece reminded me of the Pixar animated feature The Incredibles, where superheroes had to go undercover due to the collateral damage their good deeds were causing.)  Of course, the real magic of Santa Claus is he’s not from the real world, but just for a moment let’s suppose he was….

His first offense is pretty obvious — Home Invasion.  This would include trespass and burglary, depending upon how many snacks he took.

Then there is Unlawful Surveillance and Invasion of Privacy.  To find all those children, then separate naughty from nice would require a huge surveillance network.  You just know someone’s privacy has been violated somewhere.

To supply all those toys, I’m willing to bet his elves are working in sweatshop conditions, so add Labor-Law Violations to the list.  Have you ever met an elf who talked about salary, working hours, or overtime compensation?  I didn’t think so.

And a really zealous prosecutor (perhaps one in New York with political ambitions) could think up a lot more.  Animal Cruelty (those poor reindeer!), Driving Under the Influence (there’s got to be more than milk and cookies in those homes), Airspace and Customs Violations (what is he bringing into this country?), Anti-Trust Violations (where’s his competition?), Alienation of Affection (how many marriages broke up when Mommy was caught kissing Santa Claus?) and Tax Evasion (gifting as estimated $142 trillion worth of toys has to violate somebody’s laws somewhere).

I guess it’s good that Santa Claus exists only in our hearts.  He wouldn’t survive a week in the real world.

The complete article is at http://www.ozy.com/opinion/how-many-crimes-would-santa-be-guilty-of-if-he-were-real/74235? .  The photo came from that site



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